she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
