I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize