Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
