I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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