i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you will always have a special place in my vag
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
