My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
