My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can I color on your dick again?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize