No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think I sprained my soul last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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