I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
