He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Send help, water and tortillas.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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