so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
