Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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