just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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