Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
