this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
