I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
