I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
