Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize