new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's the barista slut.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
