I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize