I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
