i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
