i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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