I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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