I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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