At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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