Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
