When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
