awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
