You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
