took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
