Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
