Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize