This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
