My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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