he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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