like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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