I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This house was built for laser tag.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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