Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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