and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
