No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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