i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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