Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
how drunk are you?
Several
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
