btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
