you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
