if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
