I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i drank out of a bidet.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
