I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
