I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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