no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Send help, water and tortillas.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
