i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
