someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
