I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
