Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize