Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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