Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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