Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
