you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
