An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
