My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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