How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
