I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
