i just wanna soil my oats bro
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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